Friendship can really get complicated when there is 3rd party involved in it, especially when each one of them has their own opinions and hold tight on it. Friendship gets worst if love come into the picture. Love is a dangerous thing in life, somehow, it brings 2 people together but at the same time, can breaks another. Ermm….it’s seems that way but I believe love is pure and its all about sacrifices. What makes love looks bad is just the selfishness of human.

I didn’t see this coming and I don’t even know what to feel and believe in. You’ll know someday I’m not the one. Thanks for everything too and I’m sorry if I ever hurt you.

By the way, work today was funny when I discovered a note which I confiscated from this Primary 2 boy, Jonathan. He was blushing when I read the note, and I just can’t help it but laugh! Below is the note (which is folded into 2).

Love destroy the world!

Damn…I shouldn’t have told those things! Now, that my dad know what I’ve been doing in life especially about work and driving. I hate it when he compared me with that bustard. So what if he’s gonna get a car soon! Blame it all on me, I shouldn’t have cared to share or know anything anyway!

I went to see doctor today. Finally I decided to, but it wasn’t my usually tonsil infection that bothers me. It’s the constant dizziness, light-headed and rapid heart rate that really concern me but all the doctor could say was that, it’s normal when you are sick! Ermmm…

Now I understand how expensive transportation is! I miss having ex link concession but now, my time as a student is up, it’s sucks to top up my ez link every 3 days!

Weekend is coming. Saturday, I will have to go back TP. Yay…I really miss school.

3 more months…I’ll pray and work hard for this dream I’ve always dream of.

I miss rhy…it’s been such a long time since we went out together. I keep wanting to eat waffle but at the same time, I have no appetite for it. I’ve been a rabbit lately. All I eat is rice with begedil, favourite lady fingers or tauge, and sometimes, my favourite ikan bilis. Maybe tonight I eat mee rebus? Errr.

I’m getting really sleepy and I can’t think much. all I know, I’ll sleep and wake up and watch aamir khan movie tonight and eat, sleep, ouh shit…print out order slip later and ermmm now, let me dream of aamir khan first? Tata….

Alhamdulilah, I passed my FTT.

Today, like the past few days, I feel so dizzy and I kept coughing. I cannot even walk properly, at times, I notice people look at me one kind. Anyway, I met up with my ex-colleague for our FTT. It’s funny when I called up the driving centre, they thought I’m her coz we have the same name! Haha. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to spend much time with her.

I still had to work today though I had only 2 hours left before the students went home. It was so busy with kids asking me stupid questions and checking of their homework. I was so engrossed with their works suddenly; there was a phone call.

Me: Hello?
Caller: hello, Teacher!! Please come upstairs. I went to shit but there is no toilet paper. Teacher, please get me some toilet paper.
Me: Okkkkkk…..( I was trying not to laugh)

Sometimes, I wish I have a younger brother or sister.
By the way, o level biology syllabus include biotechnology and drugs!! WTF!! So much as change and it’s just unfair!

I want to shop. I want to go spa and facial. I want to go beach and swim. I want to just be free!

Listen to the song...understand it. ;)

I’m taking break from studying FTT. Ermm…I hope that God give me the strength tonight and tomorrow for this test. I’ve been feeling so weak, headache and dizzy lately though I didn’t take cough syrup. The past 2 days of work had been tough because I just can’t focus. Anyway, despite feeling unwell, I just wanna share something that really make me laugh a while in that busy moment as a teacher. I was checking cylde’s English homework…this is what he reply to a letter:

Invitation letter:

Dear john,
I’m inviting you to my birthday party on Sunday. There will be a lot of food such as hotdogs, sweets and sandwiches. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely,
Peter

This is what Cylde reply to the invitation:


Dear Peter,
No one will come to your party on Sunday.
P.S. You can eat all your food alone!

Yours sincerely,
John

I was confuse over this handwriting at first but when I figured it out, I can’t help but laugh. Hahaha…….

I hate to waste the weekends by just laying on my bed rotting. On the other hand, sometimes, you just feel like laying down and do nothing at all. I think the drugs had kicked in, I feel kinda high.

It’s when you feel weak and sick that you’ll start thinking about the past life and the bittersweet moments that had left a huge impact in your life. I had to think how much I’ve changed. I must say, I change for good, but at the same time, I’m just being selfish and ignorance.

Anyway, I went shopping yesterday but I was so disappointed because the dress I wanted to buy already sold out. Then I went to search online, and it was also sold out. Haizzz…. I need to buy a lot of things, or maybe it’s my impulse. I don’t know why I have the urge to do something at the wrong time most of the time. Like you know, suddenly, I feel like swimming right now (in the first place, I don’t know how to swim)!

Haizzz, I haven’t even touched on my FTT yet and Wednesday will be the test.

My online shop is rotting, I really need to be more active. At least I get to explore my creativity, and feel livelier instead of just sleep and work!!

Too much had happened lately in just short period of time, from the day I was confuse over my job, life, plans, family affairs, and financial problems till the day, I feel like nothing else matters now. Life is like give and take, when you solved a problem, another one comes and it’s a cycle.

My job has been great. It’s funny how I told myself, I hate children and teaching but I ended up being a teacher. Hahaha and ironically, I enjoy the job. Nevertheless, this will never be my permanent career. Someday, I’ll tell about the children, which most of them are adorable and cute. :)

Meanwhile, I’m still considering to further my studies and of course saving up! I’m taking driving too and aim to get my license by this year. InsyaAllah. I hope I get this serious.

My parents are alright I guess, I’m no longer that close. As I mention, I don’t want to get close and hurt myself again. I don’t know if they know what I’ve been doing lately. On the other hand, I totally lost touch with my brother, but recently, I heard that Zikri has been sick for weeks! ermm….

As for myself, I’ve not been eating and sleep well lately. I’ve been sick and I lost a lil bit weight. Yay…Hopefully, by 1 month, I achieve my dream weight!

Right now, I’m just feeling high with cough syrup. I don’t want to think of what that had happened. Ermmmmmm……

I fall asleep by the telephone
It's 2 O'clock and I'm waiting up alone
Tell me where have you been?
I found a note with another name
You blow a kiss, but it just don't feel the same
Cause I can feel that you're gone

I can't bite my tongue forever
While you try to play it cool
You can hide behind your stories
But don't take me for a fool
You can tell me that there's nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know
Your love is just a lie
It's nothing but a lie

You look so innocent
But the guilt in your voice gives you away
Yeah you know what I mean
How does it feel when you kiss when you know that i trust you
And do you think about me when he fucks you?
Could you be more obscene?
So dont try to say you're sorry
Or try to make it right
Don't waste your breath because it's too late, it's too late.

Don’t ever think I would trust you again.
Why don’t you just kill yourself?
You hurt me bad. I hate you.
PS. Nothing to do with SYED!

Maybe next time when I write my blog, I have to be just straight forward. To avoid some people like Syed to misunderstand my words and think I wrote about him. HAHAHA. By the way, I don’t know why I’m smiling right now, and inside me, are just bursting in laughter. Why? Because Syed trying to bring me down.

Not being man enough to face me, he wrote some crappy comments to me and rhy(Well, he’s always crap, ouh..just read his profile in friendster..hahaha) Syed…I don’t know what you trying to do, but you really convince me that you are a LOSER AND JERK. You are fucking ARAB, do you think that impress me like other girls? Gosh….Syed, I thought you know me and of course, you think you know me very well. You told me, you know things that I don’t know….awwww…..really? But all I see you is just a dumb ass, most probably, God is laughing at you now for being an idiot.

What is it your problem LOSER?? The fact that I break up with you 2 years ago or is it because I wasn’t asking you back and you hurt ur ego? I guess, you know yourself better and see how selfish you are BUSTARD?? Maybe you would want to look at yourself, and reflect. Then get that REAL FACT that you are simply a LOSER, and YOU CAN’T WIN MY HEART.

Whatever you write is FACTS? HAHAHAHA. You fucking ARAB LOSER, Those are assumptions that you made. By the way, who are you to judge me, ARE YOU GOD? SO YOU FUCKING THINK YOU ARE A BLOODY ARAB, YOU THINK YOU OWE ANYTHING. FUCK YOU SYED, BEAR THIS IN MIND, YOU ARE NOT PURE ARAB! AND IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT ISLAM AND GOD, GOD HATE ARROGANT PEOPLE! Search that in the QURAN!

You don’t lie? ARE YOU ANGEL OR WAT? And what proof you have to say that I’m a LIAR? Anger is a sign of guilt? HAHAHA…WHERE DID YOU GET THAT LOSER? Quran wrote that? LOOK FUCKING ASSHOLE, I have the right to be angry…why? Because you are over the limit of my patience and pride. Did I ever accuse you all that? and yeah…what is there to be REMORSE ABOUT? TO LOSE A LOSER LIKE YOU? HAHAHA…..

Syed, if you think by writing all this will bring me down, I’m stronger than ever BUSTARD. You just make my day and thanks so much….

LOSER! DON’T EVEN DARE TO FACE ME. FUCK OFF LOSER ARAB ASSHOLE!

First of all, You are NOT MAN enough to tell straight to me of what you wanted to clarify, instead, you posted comments on my friendster where everyone can view and read.

Secondly, whatever I wrote in my blog on 8 April 08, was never meant for you! I swear! Nothing I wrote was meant for you, whether it’s my nick in MSN or blog! I don’t know why you ‘TERASA’ AND PARANOID!

You didn’t expect anything from me even after the break up??! Why not you asked yourself?! If you wouldn’t expect anything, you wouldn’t have put our pictures at friendster still? I might be confused about life but maybe you don’t know me that much syed, when I made a decision, it was always the right one, and I don’t regret.

I cheated on you? why not you look at yourself, you are not even strong enough to cope with your own problems. Have you ever agree with my opinions? Everything I said was wrong to you. You don’t even respect my opinions and decisions! You don’t listen! YOU THINK YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT! Maybe you are right when you say you are a failure. You are simply a LOSER. Happy now??

I admit I hurt you, (I always did when ppl asked me) and didn’t I tell you I’m only human, I made mistakes. But you know I always try to be there for you always. I’m very hurt and sad syed. A guy I used to know, is just a ego loser.

Maybe you forget, you are dealing with FIZA. Get this straight in ur head, I don’t give a damn about you anymore now! You are not even worth to be a friend! I HATE YOU! This is how you wanted it to end. I hope you happy now! GET A LIFE!

Yesterday, I didn’t go work. I reached Bishan, and my cramps were just unbearable so I reported sick and waited for 3 hours at polyclinic for MC!

Today, I received Graduation letter from TP. Ermm…I don’t know if I should attend for the graduation ceremony, and moreover, I have to pay for that stupid ugly graduate gown. I get 2 guess tickets for the ceremony too, I don’t feel like inviting my parents anyway.
Work today was ok, I beginning to adapt with my “conditions”.

I feel lost. You make me so confuse. You make me feel like I’m gonna lose you and if I do, please just go. When you go, don’t ever turn back and find me coz I won’t be there anymore. Leave now and everything we had will be perfect forever. Keep the memory of us strong and alive. You’ll find me someday.

I just browse through my old past testimonials in friendster. So much had changed, did I change? I feel like crying, why am I so emo!!?? I had a chat with a few people since last few days. For some, it meant a new re beginning of a frenship, while most, it looks like a goodbye. I had goodbye, coz I havn’t done much.

I remember that night before Kelong trip, I was talking to Rhy about our family, our childhood, my late grandma, simply our past. I realized, I never take chances in life, I was afraid and unappreciative.

The week passed by fast but yet, I wish it didn’t have come at all. It feels too soon for me to start a responsibility especially when I don’t seem to have passion on what I’m doing right now.

After 4 days of working, I began to miss Zuellig so much. I miss those 5 months of waking up so early in the morning and rush for work. I miss the other 3 interns who had accompanied me for first 3 months of my internship. I can still remember bitching around in the room with them about the other colleagues, and those expensive 3 months of lunches together(we always took taxi to simei or anywhere to have lunch or we order delivery service)! Hahaha…

Then, after that 3 months, all of them left for school, leaving me all alone in the room with a beautiful scenery of the sky and sea. Once in the while, the pakcik will come and talk to me. In that 5 months, he’s like a father to me. I miss his jokes and of course, there are other colleagues who I miss dearly. My cute supervisor, my QA members, the aunties in productions who are so friendly, cute IT guy who always talk to himself and make me laugh, handsome guy whose accent so China…hahaha…I miss them.

Ermm…now that it’s over, just like the other pasts chapter of my life, they are all gone but I always wonder if those paths will cross again…hahahaha…haizz…I hate myself sometimes because I feel like a loser and weak. I don’t know why I’m starting to doubt about my life, my future, and myself. Inside me, is full of fear, insecurity, anger, misery and uncertainty. I’ve lost the purpose in living, coz, nothing is a priority to me anymore.

I wish, someone can understand me for who I was that makes me who I am now and tell me that I’ll be fine.