I'm on the verge of breaking down, trying hard to hold back these tears. So many words are left unsaid, leaving me with regrets and remorse. Turning back time is all I want now so I could take back those words I didn't mean, and change the choices I've made. Those time wasted just like that, I wish I could do more, I wish I'd open up my heart and mind, I wish I'd see it coming, I wish I'd known. Now, those ' could've been's will only be ilusions and never will it happen.

I looked through all the pictures folders in my laptop, I laughed, and tears roll down my cheeks at the same time. That sadness and happiness changes to anger. So many times i tried, hold on, to save that friendship but just for a stupid issue or i don't even know, it ended all, changes all it used to be. It never will be the same, that's what u've said. I've heard it so many times from different people and the least expected to hear from is from you. Is it me or is it you? Never will I understand, and if letting go of this and running away from it is what you think best, these's nothing else to say. But someday, when our paths meets again, don't ever treat me like a stranger or even enemy. I'll miss our conversations and all the time we'd spent.

Life is never easy but from mistakes are how we learnt and grow. I've been not been a good person, not a good friend, daughter, student, or whatever it is. But I've tried hard to help or at least lend a listening ears. I gave my opinions but I can never change or force someone to make his/her own decision. I can only do to certain extent, and the rest is up to the person to realise its worth. People are just bound to make mistakes and that's how we learnt. But one thing I realised, the decision made can affect alot of people, sometimes, i feel like i'm a victim of someone's mistake or rather decision. But then i realised, my own decisions are now making other suffer.

I'm totally not in the mood. I'm feeling sad and angry at the same time, worry too. My health has not been good lately. I had been having headaches, my hair keep dropping, now, pimples or lumps are developin on my scalp, my skin is so dry, haizzz...what is wrong with me....

Tomorow test test, I havent even start studying....arghhh

"Don't Speak"
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
Don't speak I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands I sit and cry
It's all ending I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me
I can see us dying...are we?
Don't speak I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

I miss you...

It's gonna be a hectic week for me. I'm rushing through my projects, revising for term tests and quiz. 3 and half more weeks to go, I can't give up. Time will pass like a flash and soon, I'll be free from the prison that school had given me and at the same time, I'll no longer lost coz I'll fine my way home where I belong. hehe. Yeah, I'm moving to my new house soon, finally! After so long of waiting, it finally arrive, and it arrive just in time for everything. Haven't I told you it happened for reasons? hehe. Well, I'm not that excited leaving for new home actually coz I've adapted her, I've enjoyed my days here, the closeness being as a family is already there, I like it here somehow. hehe. Everyday, going back home and never alone, basically because my aunt is always at home. haha..I'm gonna miss this house, the cat!

By the way, at time passed by, I really feel like I've wasted my time. So many things I want to do, like learn something new, draw (coz it's been long time), read ( i've stop reading after 2 books coz i've been busy! argg), go shopping, meet my friends, there are just so many things. I hope during my holiday, I can do all that.

okok...I gotta do my projects now

Have you ever feel so upset and lost all your mood after just accidentally saw someone you hate? It's just too many times for me, and why fate has to be so mean? God trying to test my patience, I'll shall just endure it. So anyway, I've got no time to waste today, too many things too do. I'm very glad that my headaches have gone, at lease it seems like. Here just some cute pictures of 'perasan arab' baby..hehe..just to keep my spirits up. I met him yesterday anyway.

He's with the father. compare the hair colour, zikri hair seems to be dyed, but it's natural. Cute!

This continuous headaches really bothers me. I can't do my work properly, can't concerntrate. Am I thinking too much but I've been taking things slowly and lightly. There are alot of overdue work I've not done yet.Hehehe, not totally because of my headaches actually, but it's coz I've been too engross with books. yeah..i'm reading books, i can't believe this. It's like my new hobby now. i'm a bookworm! yet Still, this headaches is getting quite serious for me coz even paracetamol doesn't seem to work anymore. I want to visit the doctor soon but I've been busy, gonna be busy till friday. Projects are the one that make the time so occupied.

anyway, Tommorow will be only 2 hours of lectures in the morning, then projects all the way. boring! Maybe I cancel tuition again tomorow if my head still like it worth knocking on the wall. Thurday, on the other hand, gonna be so packed. Test in the morning ( I haven't even study for it), project interview at noon (we haven't even finish the project), 1hr of lecture then project presentation ( I hope i don't have to present). Friday will be the usual morning lectures and 6 hours of lab again! I simply can't wait for the weekend, I really hope i can get away from this boring stressful work and go shopping! Moreover, from next week onwards, no more monday blues coz no more school on monday!! yay! However, next week gonna be another stupid boring stressful 4 days in school. I'm gonna have 1 term test, 1 quiz and 2 projects submission dateline!!! haizzz..

Life has been good and bad at the same time, i'm trying to think positive at everything. I hate to have this thoughts that people think i'm so negative coz i'm not, it's just that life has been difficult for me. Don't tell me you don't have ur downs.

So anyway, i was just reflecting over a frenship that has been long enough, long enough to know each other well but now seems to be broken. I know it started from me, i erupted out of anger. But i can't just stay patient when this mistakes keep repeating over and over especially to know that nothing is done to change. Well, i trying to forget it, over it( i always did, forgive and forget) and i even tell u honestly and sincerely what's my problems. If it's wrong for me or u think it destroy this frenship just for a stupid thing like that then nothing else i can do. nothing left to say, not even angry anymore.

(This was written at 4.55pm)
This will be a quick and short one. I just woke up, I'm feeling weak but the thoughts in my head woke me up from the peaceful sleep and gave me this urge to write. I fell sick for past few days, started with painful sore throat, blocked nose and now, very heavy painful headache. Today, I had a very short day, just a normal meeting day with my lecturer then everything else( tutorial and project meeting) was cancelled after 11.30am. Of course I was relieved, went back home and slept but now, I'm thinking, what if I were not to fall sick, I could have.....

I could have use that time to do all the projects and not cancelled tuition!
I could have ask someone out and go shopping!! I love to shop during weekdays, not much people.
I could have read books!
I could have done alot of things!!!
I hope i recover soon, coz I still have tomorow afternoon to spend since i'm very free. Maybe recovering in few hours time would be better, so I can do all my projects by tonight!!!
***
(at 6.35pm)
I can't sleep. I've been reading. my head have been....i feel like knocking my head.

I sense that something bad gonna happened, it is already starting. It's gonna be one of my bad or even worst days maybe. Baby rhino can't seem to detect wireless networks for past hours, it happened since saturday in school. Sometimes, i feel like i'm being punished with all this that happened. Maybe there's too many wrongs i've done, sometimes, i don't even know what is it. I can't live without internet, what would I do? I hate to feel pathetic, but my life is pathetic, still I'm trying to calm, at least I'm grateful to have my hp.

God, pls save me. At least give me strength to carry on and face the problems you've gave.

Today, we had kenduri arwah for my late grandmum. It wasn't the 1st year anniversary, indeed it was already passed. It was last month, 21st June. Time flies but I remember her. I miss her.
I remember that night dad asked if I wanna visit grandma at the hospital, I insist reason, I was doing my school work but instead, I was chatting the whole night. My dad sent her to the hospital, which then she was admitted since she kept falling sick. I thought she was strong like always. She was 96 years old, but she has a strength of a 69 year old lady so how could I guess. Thus that night, I left at home in my room, chatting all the way, I even remember telling someone, ' tomorrow I'll visit her' but tomorrow never come.

I layed down unable to sleep that night, I felt anxious like i'm about to miss something and it was true. I woke up next morning, shocked, from my mum's suprised news. I sat for awhile stoned, everyone was already out of the house settling and preparing. I was late, I miss the very last chance to see and talk to my grandma, the one who took care of me when I was young. numb.
I went to get ready, and walked to my aunt house a few blocks away. It was already filled with people,I felt abit shaky, still thinking I was dreaming. I sat there at the living room where everyone was there, i'd not seen her yet till my dad called me. I went in to the room, my dad there reciting the yasin, I stood there lookin at her and every memories began to flash back, from my childhood days when she was taking care of me, when the car accident happened to her, the hospital visits till then.

I remember those times my dad and brother always went out leaving me at home, she will come to my house and stayed there with me till they come back. I hear her say those usual advises from her. I remember her smile when looking at me, her cold soft touch when i salam her, her smell still linger, i remember, i remember

Suddenly, it snapped me, back to reality. For the last time before the body was burried, I looked at her, let out all my tears of regret, sadness and grief, I hugged her, kiss her on her forehead, I wish I had a chance, the last chance to talk to her, spend a lil more time with her, tell her i love her, and thank her for everything.

God loves her more than us and no matter how much faith we have, we still lose someone we love but it is those memories, that keep us going.

More than 1 year has passed, how would you know when you gonna lost someone you love and care. Death always crosses my mind, thinking, what if i die, will anyone cry, will anyone remember me?
***
I'm just sad today. Painful cramps. felt betrayed. Jealous. Simply sensitive i guess.

The week gonna be packed with projects, to be exact, there are 3 of them. I'm counting down my days till this semester end, can't wait for SIP. BTW, Last week, there are another 2 more OSIP at australia and china oppotunities for us, but I don't think I will be interested. Well, look at my family situation now, it's all in a mess. With me being homeless, still homeless after 2 months!!!, it feel fucked up coz we don't know when we gonna move. It feels like forever and I'm getting to adapt with this house already. enough said before i get too emo.haha.

Well, phase 2 of GMP has been great, i guess, since my lecturer complimented on my group and especially on my part.hehe.(blowing my own trumpet) I'm getting to like this subject, actually, i've already love this subject right from the start. I won't speak too soon. There is still phase 3 (the last phase. yay!) which is to be done in 2 week time, 1 quiz and term test!
Overall, school has been very boring, maybe because I don't open up with my friends. Somehow, I feel like being alone is better you know, away from everyone. I think I'm begining to be anti social. watever.

I'm occupying my free time with books. I simply can't stand doing nothing coz that is when I start to think stupid things and get emo and angry and stuff. I miss my venlafaxine!!!, my lost, stolen to be exact 5300 nokia hp where I can hear my music. Now, I have nothing to listen to, my mp3 is lost somewhere is one of the boxes. haizz. And I need to shop too, for wallet, purse, thumbdrive, BAG!!( My bag got big hole, I'm so SAD!).....!!!!!! ARGH...i gotta save and stop wasting money buying food. hahaha.

If only I'm rich, I wanna have a new lappy, smaller one, cuter and lighter, so I can bring everyday to school. Baby rhino is heavy!
**whoever stole my belongings, he/she gonna die horriblely. ASSHOLE

Yesterday was such a long boring day. I woke up at 6am to study for my quiz, went to school at 10am and had 6 hours of lab from 12 to 6pm! We had some bad news before the quiz by the way, which is, we are having 10 complusory training for NAFA. Lecturers in applied science school simply have nothing to do but organise this shit! Not enough with piles of projects, now they want us to train for NAFA! WTF. I totally lost my mood doin my quiz. Then, I had 6 hour of lab, and most of it, we are wasting time waiting. 6 hours, 1 hour to prepare sample, and at least 2 hour to analyse our sample( but we have to wait for our turn). So, yesterday, my group is the last group to use tat one and only HPLC. Thus, we had to wait till 4pm to start that shit and analysing one injection took 5 minutes. It's so fucking boring. After school I had to wait another 1 hour( I'm not blaming, i understand) and by the time, i already lost my mood, i'm tired and so fucking sleep. I went back home and straight sleep.

Today, I don't want to wait anymore. I rather stay home or better still, go out alone. I hate waiting, remember that. Maybe i shall just play with kangaroo today.

Sometimes, ego stops us from doing something that might hurt our pride. Patience, on the other hand, avoids us from standing up for our own pride. Both ego and patience are what I need to learn to balance. Well, my previous post sure rise a few question marks from a few smses I’ve received. Among them, there are two that caught my attention.

One was from someone I’ve cared and missed so dearly, a friend, my twin sister. I was surprised to receive such a long message from her and I was deeply touched by it. The words written were sincere and I felt wrong. I’ve missed her and I’ve always been missing her like a person who lost her twin sister. As I reminisced back all those days in secondary school, it was bitter sweet. Now, that our paths are different, we go a different way but gal, I won’t forget you neither do I will give up on our friendship. You are right saying that friendship is not based on the number of times we go out. It strikes me suddenly, Friendship is more than that, It’s about 2 hearts close together no matter how far, being concern and always there to at least listen and talk. Maybe I should be more understanding.

Yesterday, I had a chat with a friend who was hurt and heartbroken. We always share our opinions usually about relationships. Maybe because we faced almost the same thing, like me, she had to learn the hard way. Truth always hurt but we always get to know it when everything start to develop again. I guess, there’s no point advising because people just need to experience it to learn from it. But, I’m just wondering why particularly some guys have to keep girls hanging on and when they find other girls, they just left the girl. It’s just so rare to hear about a faithful guy, maybe there is none. Whatever. I hope she’s alright now.

You know, sometimes, enough is enough. Some people will never change. Never. If you think I would fall for those words you said, no, you are wrong. I’m not the same anymore. I don’t even know why you apologizing? Is it hari raya yet? So please stop SMS me.