Sometimes, I wonder how I can tolerate with certain people in my life despite all the heart pains they had given to me. I remember how I can simply say 'it's ok, i understand' to myself, then forgive that person without even having him or her to say sorry. It repeats again and again, the old same mistakes and me being so forgiven so easily. I guess I'm too weak especially to those I've regard them as my special friend. There would come to a point where somehow, you just lost that tolerance. I have lost it once to someone, someone I called my special best friend, the one I would always be there, the one I thought will be there for me too.

Well, I was naive back then, believing in all those words * said and I always ended up getting hurt. I bet * doesn't know it. Every single promises, as simple as the time * will reach, I would believe in it. Maybe it's a bit extreme, but how about those 'major' promises? I remember those cries on the phone in the middle of the night. I was there listening to those shits, but always when i'm down, * not there. Surprisingly, * was the one who betrayed me the most. I could have done the same thing but I won't. I believe God will do its just.

There was a time we were so close, everywhere there were always you and me, so unseparatable. somehow, we lost in the way, our paths doesn't cross anymore. But that does not give us a reason to let go of our friendship. So many times, i try to safe it, but it can't be always me alone. We are drifting far away, What we need was not much, sometimes, i wish u can give a lil bit of ur time for us.

Friends might not be as important as God and family but if only you know the value of a friend.

***

My week has been better than the week after except for the headaches. Finally, I'm over with my PMT term test. I'm kinda busy with projects and assignments, as well as tests but at the same time, I'm enjoying every bit of free time. Maybe soon, I will hit the gym again (been so long and now,i've gain alot of weight) September will be NAFA test for me!

Anyway, I didn't get OSIP. Don't feel sorry for me, instead, I'm very glad I'm not choosen because I will miss alot of people and i will miss food n shoppin here.hehe. Actually, it was because I don't wanna use up my saving for OSIP, afterall, it's not that necessary. I want to take my license!!

By the way, i had a hair cut!! short one. : )

Kangaroo

He's been so naughty. hehe. He likes to sneak into my room and hide underneath the bed. When I call him out, he would show up a bit and give me that pathetic look.hehehe..so cute.

Doaku agar kaukan selalu bahagia,
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangimu,
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna keredhaanmu,
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa,

Ku tinggalkan memori bersamamu,
Kuundur diri bersama harapan.

Tidak kesampaian cinta kita,
Kubawa harapan kupendam rahsia,
Ku dikejauhan mendoakan,
Agar kau bahgia tiada lagi duka.
Daku rela mengundur diri,
Ku pasti dikaukan fahami

Tiada penyesalan kasihku korbankan
Andai telah tertulis kuterima ini bukannya kupinta,
pergilah dikau diiringi keikhlasanku,
Cuma pengalaman mengisi kekosongan mimpiku

-Thanks for the happiness you've gave and the memories that will never be replaced-

I'm not trying to be negative at all. I admit at times, i just lost myself but I always pull myself back. This is reality of life, not always happy and we are never perfect. No matter how strong the faith is, we still lose somehow, we still make mistakes.

Sometimes, We can never understand the reason for events in life happened, the reason why certain people act or treat us especially after all the sacrifices. We always become victim of someone's decision or even mistakes. We would ask ourselves why he/she have to do that, so unfair but we will never get the right answer. What hurts the most is that the person is someone so important in your life, someone you love and care.

When something happened to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events to teach you how to laugh more and not to cry too hard.
I didn't go school today again. I didn't skip school purposely but my headache is just too much. The drug don't seem to work at all. I hate to feel this way like something is knocking in the head. I think i'm having just one of the bad time right now, my hair are dropping pretty bad. I'm gonna have a hair cut soon.

It's just so hard to be patient and take life as it is. People tell me to live with it but i wish it is that easy. Yet, what other choice do i have right? Tommorow will be the start of term 2, it means that my term break is coming to an end. To make things worst, i'm having a term test tommorow. I've been trying to study for past few days and i simply can't take things off my mind. I know i'm failing this subject, and having this term test was my last chance but i don't think i will make it through. I'm not being permistic anyway, subject is just freaking difficult and please try to be me. I'm tired rite now, after those sleepless night studying and running away from this fucking house. I'm having a very bad headache, and i feel so weak, i can't even study coz nothing goes inside my head. I had a talk with my parents last night, they don't care. I don't know where this going to be, i'm too weak yet i'm holding on.

i lost my control today, i almost jump off the third storey from my hse then i thought, i won't die from 3 storey afterall.haha. i had a torturous day today, fighting against my 'negative' feelings and thoughts. when i cry, i cry for all the shits i've gone through and going through, don't ever ask me why.

i don think i will come to school tomorow. i didn't even study for my term test. i need more time to pull myself back. i don't think anyone could ever understand.

Somehow, most of the time, i feel like people are hating me. i get to know some people who i know only by name, and never once were a friend, hate me. i keep asking myself what i did wrong. For some, i might did hurt in some way but please believe me that i didn't mean at all.

I hate to sound pathetic, sad and depress. It makes me feel that i'm not strong enough. what can i do, i just need to write.

God always has his own tricks to test our limits and now, I don’t know what are my limits anymore. Too much for me to take this life of my own. Amazingly, after all shits happened, I’m still here alive, moving on, strong. I could have just killed myself but I didn’t. Over and over, one after another, I pull myself back but how long can I stand? I know that no matter how far I’ve lost, I still have faith in God and that is what keeps me going. Now, I don’t think I can be the same. I might appear strong but deep down; it feels like I’m already dead. I tried to make things right, it seem that it’s always against me. Tell me why this has to happen? Is this my faults, my punishment? I’m losing everything that used to keep me going, I’m going mad.

Not everyone might know my life, the real one but I appreciate those who had cared for me. For those who know the truth, I don’t need sympathy but I’m very touched for those who had listened and believed in me. At least, there are still some reasons to live and be happy. Thank you!

It feels like I've lost everything.It was the worst week I ever had and I don't know what God trying to tell me. I can't cry anymore, I'm numb right now. I've lost my hp, headset, ezlink card, student matrix card, Ic, my whole wallet, my purse, my thumbdrive, cashcard but what I've lost is more than that. I've lost my will to live. I'm just waiting for the day to come, where I lost myself.

Nothing left for me now.

*I don't know how i'm gonna contact anyone, anything, i shuld be online if i'm not dead yet

When I start crying suddenly, I just need ur shoulder, I need to know you'll always be there
don't push me away
When I become so quiet, lost in my own world, pull me back to the reality
don't ignore me
When I'm mad over problems, listen to the words i had to say, tell me i'll be ok and hold me tight
don't be pissed

I'm confuse when you say I keep things to myself,
havn't I tell u everything?
Why u have to push me away?
Why u have to scream at me?
I know, I've said things that hurt you alot
I've made you angry, hurt you
Maybe it's really my faults
to be quiet, to say there's nothing, to cry in front of you
you don't want see me thise way coz I make you feel that you never make me happy
Maybe I should just shut up, pretend, put a fake smile everytime i'm with you

I'm sorry for what I've done
to say those words I didn't mean
to put you thru pain, and anger
I'm sorry...

I just gotta be strong just like before

It's been one month since I stayed here at my cousin house. It's been fast but God knows how it feels like. I can't wait to move which I still don't know when. Haizzzz....

Term break has been sux so far. Projects and more projects and Singapore is just so bloody small to go anywhere and I'm BROKE! I wanna watch SHREK.... :'(

Wish me luck for interview today.

Sometimes, it's just so had to choose especially when you don't know what is the outcome of the decision you would make. I must say, I'm a very confuse and indecisive girl, that's my weakness but what i've choosen, I don't usually regret. Anyway, my OSIP interview will be this thursday and I'm disappointed over some friends. I won't want to mention coz what is done, I can't change back. I will just leave it to fate, I'll try my best for the interview but I kept thinking about the outcome. It's true some people say, I worry too much. Maybe, it's time to relax and let go of my worries.

I have this very strong urge to have a short hair cut but I just can't decide if I should coz I still love my long hair.

Maybe I should 'Just do it' ;)

The drugs begin to peak

A smile of joy arrives in me

But sedation changes to panick and nausea

And breathe starts to shorten

And heartbeats feel softer

You won't try to save me!

You just want to break me!

Or leave me desperate!

You taunt my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can't forget, the times that I was lost and depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

Your my heroin!

You won't leave me alone!

Tears of my heart turn to stone!

You taunt my heart, a sense I never knew I hadI can't forget,

the times I was lost an depressed from the awful truth

How do you do it?

Your my heroin!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself.

I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.

Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes so real.

But under your covers more torture than pleasure

And just past your lips there mores anger than laughter

Not now or forever will I ever change you

I know that to go on, I'll break you my habit!

You taunt my heart, a sense I never knew I had.

I can't forget, the times when I was lost and depressed form the awful truth

How do you do it?

Your my heroin!

I will save myself!

***

All I ever think off since I tried to start studying was the 2 weeks of break. It's really fast time flies and it's already half of the semester. Soon enough it will be SIP and graduation. So many things have changed since I started Poly, I remembered how naive I was last time. What really worries me alot about this sem. was PMT(one of the subject). I seem to be failing. Haizz...

So long, this feelings still stays
insecurity and uncertainty
I wish I can venge out all these anger in me
But the more I venge, the weaker I get
I kept asking myself
Is this a game? a joke?
How can I not trust someone I love
yet how can I believe these shits so unreal
thoughts keep haunting me every single seconds
I'm waiting for the day to come
for the truth
Will I be fooled?
Will it be too late for me?
I wanna the answer

Would you mind if I hurt you?
Understand that I need to
Wish that I had other choices
than to harm the one I love

What have you done now!

I know I’d better stop trying
You know that there’s no denying
I won’t show mercy on you now
I know, should stop believing
I know, there’s no retrieving
It’s over now, what have you done?
What have you done now!

I , I’ve been waiting for someone like you
But now you are slipping away...
ohWhy, why does fate make us suffer?
There’s a curse between us, between me and you
What have you done!
Would you mind if I killed you?
Would you mind if I tried to?
Cause you have turned into my worst enemy
You carry hate that I don’t feel
It’s over now
What you done?
What have you done now!